Eva Lucien:

Derby number:

MySpace page: http://www.myspace.com/evalucien

March 23, 2007: NEAR-HUMAN BOWLS OVER SCIENTISTS, DERBY GIRLS

KIRTLAND, Ohio--In March, ecologists studying sugar maple growth in northeastern Ohio forests stumbled upon the anthropological find of the century: a new subspecies of human, represented by a lone female specimen. "We had just sat down for lunch, when out of nowhere some animal flew out of the bushes, flattened [the other field researcher], and made off with her bean burrito," recalls Cherry Notdonaldson. "Luckily, we were able to lure it back with some chile verde, and it came close enough that we were able to snap a picture before it beat the [feces] out of Sarah and ran off again."

The two researchers took their picture to a prominent local specialist, who promptly threw them out of his office and called security. They finally found a skeptical but desperately poor junior faculty member at the Institution Formerly Known as Case, and the three researchers sneaked back to the woods one night with a large cage and a stash of fresh Mexican take-out. "The rest is history," said Notdonaldson.

The near-human specimen, whom they have named Eva, resembles normal humans with a few differences. Most notably, she crouches rather than walking upright. "This seems to be an evolutionary adaptation to running below the deer browse-line of forest understories," states Notdonaldson. In addition, her superwoman strength, amazing speed, and ignorance of human culture set her apart—as well as make it a challenge to keep her contained. Luckily, the scientists have found an unusual but effective way to keep her under control: "Eva's a remarkable roller skater," says Notdonaldson. "We discovered this accidentally one day after Sarah forgot to put her skates away. When we turned around, Eva was flying around the lab on these skates and destroying what little intact lab equipment remained. She skates like she's tearing through the forest dodging tree trunks!"

One night, the researchers happened to see a news special about the Burning River Roller Girls, Cleveland's all-women flat-track roller derby team. "We knew Eva was a natural," says Notdonaldson, "so we signed her up." Recalls Rolling Pin-Ups captain Vix Smackey, "We didn't have any regulations barring different human subspecies, so we let her join and recruited her to our team. For the most part, she's assimilating to our culture pretty well, but I keep a stash of burritos handy in case we can't pull her off a member of the opposite team."

Eva splits her time between skating with the Rolling Pin-Ups, being the subject of multidisciplinary tests on her brain and body, and eating. She will be on display at events featuring the Burning River Roller Girls and their sponsors throughout the upcoming months, although visitors are encouraged not to touch, feed, or make direct eye contact with her. Contributions to Eva's ethanol sedative fund can be given to Vix Smackey.

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